The JOY that transcends all understanding

I know, it's been too long since I updated my blog again. I can never be discipline!! but today, I must record this down!! :D It's toooo important to be put aside. 

If you know me, I am dating this young man, Esmond for almost a year now. And guess what, he is baptized today! Remember the story which I told earlier on when he wasn't a Christian five years ago? God finally answers prayers two days ago after five years. How great is our God? 

When he first became a Christian in 2008, he never get baptized as to him, it means a lot to him for his mom to agree on the baptism. He really loves his mom so much and I know this is really tough for him because after so many attempts of seeking approval, his mom still never said yes. We had been praying really hard, of course, we want his mom to agree on his decision, but what if she never did? It was always difficult for him and at some points, I couldnt understand as I am born in a Christian family and all I could do is pray, pray and pray, not knowing when and how. 

He told me that he was always worried when people asked if he is baptized or why is he not baptized. I guess he could not find an answer to that especially when one is his most loved mom and one is his beloved Father in heaven. But God, is GREAT. He answered his prayer two days ago in the most unexpected way, through a phone call, his mom agreed and believed that he had made the right choice. It's as if God had told her personally. It's so amazing and suddenly so easy. It came so quick and sudden I was dumbfounded when I received this news through whatsapp. I was screaming in joy as I was shopping in York with one of my besties, Phebe. This kind of joy, I could not describe. I told my best friends, my parents and they all rejoiced with me. 

Then the challenge came. The baptism is today! Two days after the news?! I am not prepared. I haven't got my baptism card and I haven't booked a ticket to Germany. How could I miss this? Oh no, no.. I had been waiting for this day for so long. I want to be there to witness it, to support him, to experience it. Ahhh.. But no, I couldn't because it happened so suddenly as a baptism session was arranged for him in the church camp today. He decided to be baptized today. Trust me, I was overwhelmed with emotions. So happy for him yet so sad that I can't be there. This kind of emotions was almost similar to the one I faced few years ago when I had to miss both my brothers' graduations. It was awful. i cried so hard, so hard. I felt so small and weak I cant see the joy any longer. I was selfish, so selfish that I want to be there so much even knowing that Esmond had waited enough and he really did not deserve to wait anymore for this day.

In the midst of these emotions, I cried out to God in gratitude and in pain. They are both my lovers. I know how glad God is right now to see his son being so anxious about getting baptized and tell the whole wide world that he is a Christian and he loves the Father. But I want to be there. The pain did not go away until awesome friends, Yun Kai and Ee Heng who updated me with his pictures of being baptized. Thank you so much! You don't know how much the efforts meant to me. At that very moment, I came to my knees and broke down in tears. The joy was overflowing in me. I was so touched by His grace and love. Nothing, absolutely nothing matters at this moment. All my emotions and absences and distance all became insignificant in that second. It was a really special moment, at least so special that I don't know how to describe it because I had never experienced such JOY to that extent, when I was struggling with the pain just a second ago. Reminded by His grace in his life over and over again that moment like watching a movie, I was crying in joy.

He is baptized! He is baptized! He is baptized!!!!!! God works in wonders. Today, through him, my love on earth, I experienced the most abundant joy from my love in heaven. This joy is complete, non comparable. Thank you Father, thank you aunty, thank you everyone who has been praying for us, and those who had been there in this spiritual journey and thanks for those who were there to support him today. Thanks Pat and Daniel for baptizing Esmond. We will always remember this day and press on till the end of the day. Keep praying for us as we continue walking on this journey of faith, side by side. 

Just two weeks ago, I responded to an altar call of full time ministry. It was a leap of faith, I called it. Because I don't know how it's going to be and when. But I know, I want to lose this life for Him. I heard Him. Pray for us,, to be equipped so God could use us mightily for His kingdom and that we could serve Him together. 

P.S: I am such an emotional being, poor him :P 

Totally touched!!!

Just when I finish typing the last post, my phone beeped. It's Ros, the landlady of the house which I would be staying in the next two months.

"Don't bring anything. We have all u need. What time will you arrive at the station? I will collect u."

That's love I received from a total stranger. I was touched, very touched.

A thankful heart.

I went to Alnwick last monday to see my store manager! I would be doing a summer placement in a town, called Alnwick, where the Alnwick Castle is. I bet lots of people know alnwick castle as it's one of the major shooting site for Harry Potter. Hehe.

that's the castle and the lion bridge. nice eh?

Well well, Grace joined me!! So, we took a train to alnmouth, the place where I will be going to stay during my two month placement in Alnwick. When we were in the train, we passed by a super beautiful scenery. And the next minute, we are in Alnmouth station already. So, I was so excited, and shocked, because the beautiful scenery I saw earlier is actually Alnmouth. I know I never google map it before I came. 

That's what I saw and was totally in awe.

A peaceful place. All I see were houses. And, birds were chirping and singing so happily as though they were rejoicing with me. Then off we took a bus to Alnwick, another old, lovely town. I was quite nervous to be honest when I first went in but it was all good. My store manager and the other colleagues are all quite friendly and I was glad that I could understand the English quite well. I was a bit worried to be honest. Haha. So it was just a short chat about the whole placement, and I was really excited for this whole thing. Woohoo. I cant wait for it to start. It sounds exciting!! A whole new experience, living with a new family, working with new colleague, with a mission to complete --> get myself a position in pre-reg with boots next year. 

Grace and I then visited Alnwick Castle from far. Lol. The entry ticket is really expensive, so we thought we would go there when we both start earning money. Haha. So we are both having faith that Grace is getting  a job in the next two months! :) Haha. But we did enjoyed ourselves in the tree house in Alnwick Gardens. We didnt visit the gardens as well though people always tell me how unique the poison garden is. One day, I will be there. :) 

The hanging bridge. hehe. We both thought we were back in Bukit Aup Park back in hometown. XD

It was really awesome, just spending time talking and catching up. And to look at people, you know who I mean here. Kids!!! There's this girl who played peek-a-boo with us, and she was so friendly when she said Hello and byebye. Adorable! It was good time, just sitting down and enjoyed our hot chocolate while taking some polaroid photos. =)

Then, we went back to the town for shopping! It so happened that Alnwick is full of those small shops with interesting things to look at. I always enjoy every bit of them and we spent lots of time looking at all these little things and got excited over them until we came to the charity shops, i.e. cancer research uk. That's when the whole shopping spree starts. There're so many good stuffs in the shop!! I got myself two formal blouse and one formal skirt for only £12!!! And they were all very new and nice. I was delighted!! 

It all ended with a nice dinner over at an Italian's, Grace belated birthday treat for me. hehe. Just before I was going to go back to Sunderland, my landlady texted me her home address! I was excited, so excited that I told Grace I wanna look at the house! We didnt get to greet them cos it was quite late and I don't want to surprise them. ahhaha. 

Tidal House

I know, it's huge and it's so beautiful right. I was so excited!!! and to walk out the street, there a bus stop for me to catch a bus to alnwick and the sea is right in front of the street. How cool is that? I cant wait, seriously! I am super excited now. Hehe. I really thank God for helping me to find them through my pastor, Dave. I was really worried before this to get myself an accomodation!

Tell me, how can I not give thanks when God has been so good to me all this while? It was a superb day, full of thanksgiving. I will learn, learn to give thanks all the time, not only on good days but EVERY SINGLE DAY!

The Distance.

The only thing that could make me feel unhappy (at least so far) in my relationship with Esmond is the distance. It is a great deal of lesson to learn. To learn to let go and to give each other space is one of the hardest lessons in relationship, especially when our term time and holiday time are different. We are put in situations where either one of us is stressed out or super free. This is the place where I have to be so rational and think for his sake as I get a bit dependant whenever I feel unwell. 

To put God first before him, even to find God first before going to him is such a lesson to learn. And, to be very honest, I am still learning!! I kinda fail today, I have to pray more about it.

So, today I was mostly in bed resting while watching movies. There came the times when I missed him quite a lot but I couldnt get hold of him and I tell myself that he's studying and that I need to learn to give space. I am still learning, there're times I'm just so tempted to wish to have him around more. I had to fight that fleshy desire, cos I felt a bit lousy not having him around while my rationality kicked in and told me to be understanding. It's such a mind battle. Haha. But, I am glad he always understands whenever I kind of fail in learning well in this aspect. =D

The desire of our flesh is always our main enemy. 

Grace of God

Grace, my childhood friend came to visit and spent time and to see how God touched her and comforted her, I was so touched myself and encouraged. That's how amazing His Love and Grace are, to bring peace that transcends all understanding. It is all good to have her over and so we could catch up, plainly spend time and just enjoy the fellowship! :) 

So I am back in Sunderland after another long journey of travelling, and trust me, Summer has bid her goodbye. Haha, it's really cold again and wet. I had to rest the past few days more after the long journey. But God was great to send me great friends to fetch me from the bus station that midnight and to bring me more clothes to put on to keep me warm. And I was just thankful that I managed to reach home safe and sound. And, of course, to learn to say goodbye to Esmond and still be joyful because we know we would continue to bless each other with our lives in Sunderland and Aalen, and I was encouraged when Esmond reminded me at the airport that God has plans for us in where we are and so we shouldnt be too upset that we are apart from each other. (Though I'm still learning! :D)

Also, it's holiday! So, I have the time of the world to build my relationship with the lover of my soul! I enjoy this time where I have so much time to be able to just talk to God and just simply enjoy His presence. It's really awesome because by looking at how the German students are preparing for exams, I know I should not take for granted that I actually have four months holidays, though I am going to have two months placement in Alnwick! :) I am quite excited about it though and I have reasons to shop for formal clothes! Yay! Haha

So, our pastor, Dave and his wife, Cathie had us over for dinner two nights ago and it was good just spending time with other malaysian students,just talking and sharing about lives, our holidays and just plainly everything. And of course, not to forget the good food!! :) 

Dave loves desserts!!! :) 

With Dave and Cathie!

Dave and Heidi! =) 

Grace and I

And just now, I started my first session of learning bible with my German friend, Lydia! I was excited and it was good. I am still feeling so excited about the whole idea about reading the bible with Lydia via Skype! :) God's creative, is he not? =)

To sum things up, God's grace has been overflowing. :) Despite the fact that my wisdom tooth is trying to be funny, I might need to see a dentist. Gasps. 

Use your Faith!!

So, that famous story of Jesus and his disciples where Jesus was really calm when the disciples panicked as they see the storm was our devotion today.

Before our devotion, we went out cycling. It was super good after not being able to cycle for sooooo long. I was delighted but like how it's in Malaysia, I am scared of the dogs. It's better here as dogs are normally tied to their owners. But as I cycled down this slope, I see a quite-big, black dog not far away which is not being tied to the owner, I stopped and tell Esmond that I am not going there. But it was the only road home, (at least that I know of) there were fields on both side. 

Esmond assured me that it's alright, he will cycle beside me so the dog will not attack me first even if it was going to do so. So, well, I trusted him and cycled slowly beside him, cautiously so I won't overtake him even a bit. Who knows, as we are getting nearer, the owner went forth and tied the dog. I was so relieved. 

While I was doing devotion on using ur faith, this story came up to me. I have faith in Esmond and so I was able to go forth to face this obstacle, the dog with the faith that even if he attacks me, Esmond will be there to avoid it from happening. But the best part was the obstacle which seems scary could be not as scary as you thought it is. But, if you were not able to use that faith to step out, you could never know that it's not that difficult and scary (in this case) after all. 

We can speak about our faith, hear sermons about it, sing songs about it, share about it and even read books about it. But only at this time of storm, u know that how much faith u have. 

The challenge is, use your faith and prove your faith if you are able to speak about it, if not what is the difference of you to those hypocrite who talks about love but never love?

A really nice german worship song :)

To sum it up, it was a good day! =D

I AM ON FIRE AGAIN! PTL!

So I am back from The Hope Germany Festival!! It was a four days and three nights camp, so many testimonials, so many stories, so many lives touched, so many amazing things, so dear readers, I challenge u, this is going to be a super long entry. I want to write it all so that I don’t forget every bit of its goodness. & to remind myself what I have learnt from time to time as I look back.

So right after exam, I flew to Germany to meet Mr.man but the main purpose is to come to this camp!! It’s been so long since I long to be close to God to hear from Him again. And this camp has totally given me so much more than I could ever expect.

The theme was Why not? It was based on Exodus, where we Christians are illustrated as the Israelites, Pharoah the Satan/enemy and Egypt our personal bondage from freedom. And how after so many things that God has done to Israelites, it still could not convince them He is God. Are we the same? Staying in the wilderness for forty years, complaining and grumbling, not fulfilling His purpose to go into the Promise Land? Being bonded to our personal Egypt.

I learnt so much in this camp, I remember this sermon when they said that Christian life challenges us to sacrifice, to face enemies and even to have lifestyle changes. Are we ready to give up this space and time to spend time with God and even to reach out? Are we ready when people come and tell us that we are weird and trying to be “holy”? Are we ready when friends abandon us because they think we are too spiritual? Are you ready to give up and fast the things u like for the sake of God’s work?

And, EE was the workshop I went. He said, we reach out not because only the bible says so. But because WE LOVE. When I joined the workshop on discipleship, I was challenged again. She asked, if you were to teach a person to ride the bicycle, what’s the first thing you would do? We were talking about different ways, discussing about how we learnt to ride the bicycle. But, she said, no, that comes after because if u were to teach someone how to ride the bicycle, u need to be able to ride the bicycle yourself! I was like, Oh ya!!.. so if you were to make disciples, you need to know yourself about this salvation before you could even teach people. And this is phase 0, I was struck by it, I was asking myself, what am I waiting? Why am I not equipping myself yet?

There are so many testimonials that truly touched me in this festival, by looking at how God touched their lives. And the ones that touched me the most were how they are able to surrender their lives for God’s works. I was so encouraged. I cried. I repented before God. I remember how I was so on fire for my almighty God and where did this fire go all these years? I remember my vow with God to be a missionary, well a short term missionary was the promise though. (Haha) It was not a joke. Where did all these passion for people go? How did they die?

The last evening at the camp, I broke down before Him as I hugged Esmond and we were both praying earnestly. I was asking God, how could this be possible that Your love is so amazing. I was telling God that the scene of me n esmond praying earnestly together before Him was indeed ridiculous. I used the word ridiculous because I could never expect it to be happening. I never expect that God could touch us to this extent when I only ask Him to touch us, but His grace and love is more amazing than what we can expect. It can be so ridiculous because it cannot be comprehend, it is too amazing. When I shared about our stories and saw how souls are touched and encouraged by us, I could not praise Him more. Lord, finally, I sow in tears but I reap in joy.

You may not be gifted but you can be the most fitting person in His will, in the place where He put u in to fulfil His purposes. I always thought I cant play instruments, I cant sing, I cant really speak well not even to say to preach, I can’t see myself a talented person in any sense. But I know I love God, I want this intimate relationship with our God, I enjoy His presence and I want to serve Him for the rest of my lives but I don’t know how. When Esmond was trying to tell me the same thing, that he is not good enough, these words came out of my mouth, “Are u trying to say that u, the creation of God is not good enough? Are you an accident u mean?” He was touched, I was speechless because  know it’s from the holy spirit. So we came to realise that yes, we are all special and we can all play a part as the body of Christ to serve Him.

So, at the end of this camp. We all have different visions for God. I want to reach out for the students in my uni, especially the Malaysians. It’s my last year in Uni. And pastor came to me few months ago about doing something like a Malaysian night to tell the church members about us and so they can know more about us and at the same time, support us. So.. why not? I am going to do this and at the same time, reach out to the new students and of course, every Malaysian student at least that I could invite them to. I believe that God is going to make things amazing again!

Being motivated again in this camp, I have finally come to know that yes, I want to start from phase 0 for discipleship! I want to get equipped so that I can go forth and make disciples! I had always failed over the years to equip myself with biblical knowledge to learn more about His words as I am tooooo lazy but this time God is great!!! He sent me a german! She is going to be mentoring me and we are going to do bible study together. Tell me, why not? He works in amazing ways! I never imagine that I would end up in Hope Germany Festival and starting to read the bible with a German friend! GOD IS GOOD!

Also, the fellowship was awesome!! I met a lot of new people in this camp, being able to have a couple really meaningful and impacting conversations. I like the fact where there are a lot of slots where we can just chill and chat and talk about our faith our lives. I learn so much from all these conversations and people that God has brought into my life.

To see how the most unexpected person being touched and people getting baptised. I cant comprehend and I found myself speechless again and again as I look upon His grace and blessings for the people who are willing to open their hearts to Him. So many stories told, so much tears shed. The tears of repentance, tears of joy, tears of being touched. I could feel the holy spirit working among people. Tell me that how could it be if this God is unreal.

So, why not? It’s time to change!

To look forward

The one thing that keeps me going now is that meeting up with mr. man right after exams. What else can be more motivating than that?

And the church camp in Germany. Wohoo.. after 3 years not going to an actual camp!! how glad cud I be??

And lots of good times that comes AFTER EXAM!!! *grins* I cant stop imagining!!! awwww... haha.


Im sooooooo excited but u cant imagine the amount of notes im reading in a day! It shall pass. soon. real soon. hehe. Press on!!!!

Of all sorts.

It was Mother's day last weekend! I was happy to see how mom is excited with the flowers we got her :) It's really glad how the technology is so advanced today that though I am in the UK I could make sure that the flowers reach her on time. Happy Mother's Day! it was good to ring the mothers and grandma that meant a lot to me on this day =)

So, I had my third paper yesterday! 75% done! Woohoo. 

Swollen eye lids, tear stained eyes with muscle cramps in the stomach. It sucked me dry. I was defeated the night before this paper. The battle was tough. Wrestled and struggled and still defeated in the end. There I was feeling all helpless in pain. I gave up. I gave in to the situation. It was overwhelming. Good few hours of tortures. Until finally His words comforted me and the spirit of peace finally won the battle in the midst of my wounds. I got up victorious. But I was exhausted from the whole battle. I slept like a baby afterwards. 

The mind is the battlefield of mine. 

The Lord is my refuge. To be in Him I know I am safe from lies from Satan, 

It's been 4 months since Esmond and I started this courtship today. Everyday has been a joy to be able to learn to be in this together. It has not been easy some of the times. With all sorts of challenges. But I thank God for this man, for he is so patient and kind with words although he is never too generous with his time and space. haha, But he's still a good man afterall.

A random post of all sorts really. 

To smile.

Exam's more than merely reading everything u cud for the coming paper. It's about surviving, and pulling myself through. When pain is exaggerating enough to put me bedridden, I know I am able in Him. 

Pain, the easiest way Satan gets hold of me. And it's a reason to smile when I defeat him, each and every time. 

To hear from Him.

God, these pain are real and they never leave me. But I know you are real and u never leave me too. 

I pray aloud normally when I spend time with Him and when this came out, I was touched myself. I know the holy spirit is working and God is telling me that, He is real and ever faithful. 

The pain reminds me everyday of His grace. I can't help but praise Him. 

I smiled and leap in joy =D

Out of a sudden, he came and tell me, thanks for being an understanding girl most of the time, it saves me a lot of time to quarrel. LOL! the main thing is I save his time eh? = =haha.. oh wells, it was sweet after all XD. 

Haha, and before that he came and tell me, u look good today. And I was like, um.. why so suddenly? Then he  teasingly went, nah.. it's Thursday, to practise complimenting. [refer to last post about what he's doing] = =

I know, that's him.. so not-romantically romantic. Haha. But the most amazing thing was, 2 mins before that 1st msg came through, I just told my housemate I am going to sleep when it's only 9:30pm cos I am having a really really bad headache. And when that message came, the pain miraculously went away instantly. I write this post because I know he never reads my blog so I am free to talk about him. XD but, the most ultimate purpose is that, God heals in His own ways. The pain was real and exaggerating and just before I could help myself with my painkillers, the most unexpected healing fell upon. 

He works in amazing ways. and.. I will continue to praise His name! =)

Regret?

Mr.man: U always said u wanted ur husband to be someone who loves God more than u. Have u ever regretted ur decision to start this courtship with me?

Me: Nope, because I know His will and thoughts are higher than mine.

Esmond is a believer for about 3 years now I think. I am glad to see him going to cell group every Wednesday and even leading cell group once or twice now. Seeing him setting sundays for church make me see how Holy Spirit works. And the whole surprising bit is that, none of his friends are going. So, I told him I am shocked and he said he is shocked as well. And the fact that he prays before every single meal touches me.  

Coming back from cell group last night, he was happily telling me what they were doing last night. Being given a timetable from the cell group leader, they are doing something together to bless people around for the coming weeks. For example setting mondays away to help people, no media attachments on saturdays and others. He was all excited with the whole idea, like a kid. I like how he always show me that faith like a kid.

He does tell me that there's a lack of intimacy between him and God. But, to see his willingness to grow closer encourages me a lot to do it together. It may not be as easy as it is, being all weak and sinful. Although I don't know how Holy Spirit is going to work among us to bring us nearer to God each and everyday but I am always convinced that if I were to seek His kingdom first, everything shall come afterwards. 

So, nope, I never regretted my decision. Although there's still a long journey to go for marriage, I know we would become the couple who loves God more than anyone by faith and grace. I am sure God would help us bless each other with our lives, of different backgrounds, lifestyles and mind sets. 

The fight goes on!

I had my second paper, chemistry, the paper I dislike the most really. To be honest, everyone thought the paper was really difficult and it was not very well done too. Well, I did my best and as the old saying goes, leave the rest to God. And, The fight shall go on!! Two more papers. I slept for good ten hours last night, you could imagine how tired I was from the exam yesterday. XD 

But the best thing about yesterday was this movie, the lady I watched last night with my housemates, Joyce and Davin. It was a really awesome piece of work starring Michelle Yeoh. Michelle Yeoh is one of the Malaysian actresses that is so well known that I knew her since I was a kid. And she even made it to Hollywood! And I would say this is a must-watch! It was definitely a true story based on this lady, Aung San Suu Khhi from Myanmar. And I shall not spoil the movie by telling you what happened. So, watch it! It's worth it. The courage and love in this movie is definitely touching. I am sure you would agree. 

Something remarkable, when mr.man looks at me and tell me, "喜欢你" [translation: Liking u] the other night. He definitely melted my heart and kept me going with the fight. I truly thank God for him. He is so good with words of affirmations, though only at unexpected times but not on expected time, XD but that's the special bit about  him. I know God is ever faithful and providing by looking at him. His smile never fail to cheer me up. :D 

Delighted

I received this today =) It's soo nice. I bid it from ebay for £1. hehe. There's a signature of the photographer on the corner and I actually got a note from him/her at the back of the photograph! Sweet. And guess wad, behind those cool cameras, there's actually a buzz lightyear lying on the top shelf. Aw.

Be comforted

A best friend of mine thinks he failed his paper. And I know no matter how much I have to say to comfort and convince that God's in control, it could not beat the comfort power of Holy Spirit. 

Thanks to the fact that Holy Spirit lives within us. I have faith that he willl be comforted because He never forgot to seek. 

This is a song I have been listening to a lot these few days. I thought it's comforting.

Looking at Mr Man in skype, I wish I could shout at the top of my lungs that I REALLY MISS YOU!!! It ain't sweet without you around. Life is so much easier with you around.

One paper done =D

One paper is done, Im more than grateful. Dear me, the questions were unexpectedly unusual where the important topics are not out on the paper. But, I think I had tried my best and I think it was quite a well prepared paper as compared to the past years. I am just plainly grateful that it was not raining this morning so it was a good walk to uni. (It rains almost everyday lately) I am also grateful that my pain signals were quite retarded during exam. Haha. Bless them. 

And guess what, I literally fainted this afternoon. Haha. 3 hours of deep sleep was plainly awesome. Words cannot describe how great it is to be able to sleep so well once in a blue moon. It worths everything. 

After that I took a late evening stroll down the river with my new toy, mr. polaroid from mr. man. hehe. I just wanted to take some time off revision and spend some quiet time with God, plainly giving thanks for things and sorting some emotions out. And oh ya, I brought some strawberries I got for 50 pence per box today!! No expectations but they were soooooooo sweet!! I actually took a photo of them, but i dono what happened, im not familiar with mr. polaroid. It didnt turn out well. Totally gutted. :( 

Out dating with Him beloved, the ever faithful lover :)

To end the day, this lecturer amused me in exam hall. *After papers are passed up, and only the questions paper are yet to be collected on some tables*...

Mr. Lecturer: *in shouting mode* No talking!!!!! because it's in the regulations that talking in exams is cheating.......*after a short pause* eventhough there is nothing in front of you!! ==

Hehe, going to bed early and more revisions for 2nd paper starting tomorrow.

Too thankful.

Ah, how much do I love showering. XD (I am a shower freak for a reason) Apparently it makes me feel better, heat treatment probably since I take really hot showers. But if you ask me what stop me from showering then these other times?

The facts that holding the shower hose and blowing my hair make my arm muscles scream in ache. Haha. Surprised, are you? If there's one thing hardworking in me, that would be those neurotransmitters and receptors involved in pain. Haha.

Um.. I know all these babblingss have no connection with the title. (I can't think. I had too much revisions) Haha.

Okay, I pray in showers (well, I thought it's cool. you cant talk in a shower with anybody else since I havent seen any waterproof phones, so God gets the special treat). UMm. I know. XD

So, I was praying and I am too thankful. Because, this period (exam preparation) last year, I was..

1. taking 8 paracetamols everyday (codeines on super-bad day)

2. drinking cups and cups of coffee to stay awake (since I cant sleep at night and I cant stay awake during daytime)

3. working two days a week (which is enough to wear me out)

4. hardly sleep well at night (it's normal for me though)

5. stressed out to the max and super unprepared for the exam. 

And, this year.. I am..

1. not having the chance to take 8 paracetamol for a day yet. (though I had to take some occasionally)

2. taking this SNRI (complicated as it sounds) which makes the pain more bearable in some sense

3. drinking NO COFFEE (it makes my condition worse)

4. NOT WORKING! (and that's why I could be writing this on a saturday night)

5. sleeping really well lately (though I never feel rested but at least I am not awake!)

6. not too stressed because I HAVE GROWN! and I have Mr Man to share. 

7. on quite a good track for my progress.

8. having Mr.Man to shout at me when I ask me if I would fail. Haha. 

Too thankful. What more can I ask? If you ask me, if my conditions get better this year? I might have to disappoint you by telling you that, no, but it got worse. To get up from the bed each morning, I have to wrestle, pray and bear that really bad aching, pain, stiffness. My shoulders and my back ache sitting down whole day revising. My hands ache from writing and cooking my survival meals. The pain never leave me, but I learn not to focus on these pains, but to focus on how God bless me and help me with these pains. Looking back, I can only be too thankful for His faithfulness. He never left me nor forsake me but He is giving me more and more blessings each day.

This morning,
Me: I am still stuck in bed. 

Mr. Man: New day New you?

Me: =)

Yes, His grace is renewed every morning. I am more than convinced. 

Sorry for being quite random really. Ops. *back to studies* :( 

You make me smile :)

It's been few lousy days. But I am pressing on!

I rang him in the midst of revision. And after that I told him, "I am having a headache, but after hearing your voice, I am still having a headache" [rephrased though] haha.

But i smiled =).

And that's what all matters.

I miss the massaging part ONLY XD 

Unsettled

It's that season of life again, exams. I am never an exam person. I get all sorts of reactions, you name it, I have it. haha. So yea, I really dislike Chemistry and I love other subjects. I enjoy studying other subjects but not Chemistry. It just makes me wonder why did I even chose pharmacy at the first place. Well well.... 

Life achievements, are not meant to be hold on unto. Because all these shall pass, one day. So failures are not meant to bring you down as well. Because they shall pass as well, one day. So, what's such a big deal to fail an exam? It's nothing. I grew up believing that there should be no failure in life, until my brother and Esmond told me that it's fine to fail. Tell me why not? Tell me why cant one fail? 

Why am I even unsettled over such a small earthly thing? Is my God too small that I need to worry about all these things in life? It's just part of life, to be enjoyed. Good and bad times are there for a reason. 

And, His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses.

This song moved me. I am more than flesh and bones, and I am beautiful. I want to believe that I am someone worth dying for. :)

This, too shall pass

Devotion today reminds me again that whatever it is, it shall pass, one day, because everything now is just temporary. The goal is that eternal joy and we shall press on. No matter how bad you feel today, dont worry, they shall pass. You know it, so believe it. The pain also, shall pass. :)

Multiple posts in one.

Too many good things happened in these few weeks and it would be a shame if I dont record them down.


The best weekend of life

Haha, yes. It was the best. A friday outing with the closed ones in Durham, plainly enjoying the sun, and it ended with an early birthday surprise!!! everyone took a bus down to durham just to surprise me at the restaurant during dinner time. I was so touched, so pampered, feeling so blessed. and not to forget, the prezzies I got made me smile like a kid!!! That Saturday was my last day at work, of course, it had been a long waited day. But, guess what, I was reluctant, telling the few methadone patients that I am leaving, having them say goodbye and wish me luck was again a whole new experience. These people might be the people the society dislikes, but I am sure if you love them like any person in life, they love you back. Michelle, my supervisor came in with a bunch of flowers, a card and a photo frame with everyone in the picture. She had been the best supervisor really, I am more than blessed to have her, always so kind to swap my shifts whenever I cant make them. And, what else, two of my colleagues appeared with a cake and pizza hut deliveries!!! It came so unexpectedly, so touched and really feeling so blessed to have met these awesome people in life.And Sunday, Candy and I had a really good session of sharing about lives, issues, blessings in that 3 hours long bus ride to Manchester. Those times were always cherished. And to end this weekend up, my man was standing there welcoming with a hug at the arrival hall in Memmingen. To meet up finally was such a new experience, I could only be thankful for such a thing to happen. 

The surprise party, 30th March 2012

The card and prezie from Michelle and the flowers at the back :)

Safina baked me that gorgeous cake, and thats me in uniform for the last time !

Travelling

The journey started with a missed train! Haha. New train and bus tickets had to be bought again. (Not that cheap really XD) Though it was not the best thing to happen and it was definitely a lesson learnt. And, I am just thankful of the attitude we both had when it happened. We knew we both contributed to being late and there was no point blaming and guess what, it did not affect us that much as we would expected. PTL! It was a rainy 3 days 2 nite trip in Prague!! But fret not, we did enjoy the rain, the total different experience. We enjoyed the cheap food, the unending laughs (My man is super lame, I am sure you agree if you ever get to know him), beautiful buildings, a special bread and the best was just plainly spending time together. And, the journey followed by meeting up with another few friends of mine in Munich. Another 2 days of fun and laugh. And what not, SNOW in SPRING! imagine having snow on blooming flowers. How beautiful could that be. More laughs, fellowships and of course beer sessions in Germany! Haha. Travelling with people you love is always the best thing. The most magnificent view was the one at Neuschwanstein castle I would say. God had been great, everyone was fit and well despite the bad weather and we all really had fun! It was the most relaxing trip ever because I could be all dependant on Mr man with everything, I only need to "carry" myself. Haha. Nothing more. How thankful. To travel during easter was not usual because normally I would be in the church on easter to celebrate His resurrection. But I have learnt that we can celebrate it wherever and whenever we are because we know that He truly lives that today we can be so free and joyful.

On our way back from Prague. :D

On the mountains, Germany

My 22nd Birthday

It all started with a dinner treat at a mexican restaurant from Mr man the night before. To be honest, least expectation I had out of him because he is not that kind of a romantic person but I was wrong!..That midnight, I fell asleep before 12. Waking up to a room full of peach scented candles and romantic songs wad surprising! And he actually decorated me a cakey! I was smiling in his embrace because I know he made that all happened just because of me, a person who never fail to be touched at surprises. He could never understand, but he did it anwyays. haha. And the next day was even more cool! He had a quest for me when he was out to town! making me running around looking for my prezzies! This is so not him! Of course, I am more than happy to find myself a birthday card from dad n mom and a polaroid camera from him, but you know what it was the efforts he made that made me smile. The efforts that I appreciate. And I got a postcard sent from a bloved friend all the way to Germany!!! Was ultra super happy! It was all great, with all the wishes and messages from all over the world :D Thanks for everything all you people who makes my life all that wonderful" And I know the ultimate one I have to thank is my Father Lord in heaven. 

The quest started with the note this miniature Mr man held. 

The rest of my time spent in Aalen, where Mr man lives was awesome. It was just a small quiet town. Meeting up with his friends, his church community and plainly understanding his daily routines were generally a wonderful experience. Having to cook for him and waiting him come back from class while I do my revisions for the coming exam were all simply a joy. The stroll in the evening, the time spent cooking together, praying together, watching movies and getting to know each other more were all much cherished. We grow to know each other more and more throughout the time spent together, good and bad things of course. Love is not blind, trust me, but it helps you accept each other for who we are. Being pampered of course was still the best thing ever. God, has been too good, too good blessing me with such a good mature man. I could only pray that He allows the journey to continue till we are united finally one day in the church. And my pain intensity decreases so much, believe it or not, with him aside :). PTL!

To sum it all up, too many blessings make me wonder how could one be not appreciative with God's grace. 

Happiness

Ah, My first ever spa experience today with my sis in law. Fellowship was awesome. The massage was superb. I feel so pampered. Haha. Plain happiness!! :D I was in sauna and I actually realised myself feeling almost painless! Good news eh?.. at least, I can enjoy that short 15 mins of pain free period. PTL!

and, yes, one more week to a jobless life!! one more week to seeing Esmond! One more week to easter holidaay!!!!! I can't help but smiling!

and yes, one more week to............... tonneeeessss of revision XD gasps. NVM!!!!! fret not! there are too many things to be thankful about! :D

Be still

Many times.. it's not easy to stay still and enjoy the space we have got. It's friday, for so long that i have never anticipated weekend as much as a student as saturday means 7 hours of work till 11pm, not sweet at all.

It's friday today, but here I am listening to Yiruma's work.. I feel so much peace, plainly giving thanks for the past busy week and another busy one ahead because I know, after that it would be more great ones to come because it's easter holiday! :D

Space is an amazing thing. Without your own space, you feel strained. Too much of it, you got lonely. The right amount of space is perfect. :D you get couples shouting at each other saying, you make me suffocated or kids shouting at their parents to leave them alone. The connection between beings could be so beautiful with the right amount of space, and yet so unpleasant if too much space is invaded. Have you ever wonder, but why is it that, the more space you give God, the more you let God invade your life, the more peace and joy you will be filled with. Isn't this special? But why, we, Christians, still always do not bother to spend this time with the only One who could satisfy the soul yet trying so hard to ask why extended solitude tortures and why stolen space strains.

I can't help but feel blessed for this special One I could spend my space with, no matter how much, no matter how long, no matter when, no matter how. It's always beautiful. Thank you Lord for such a friend, lover, soul mate you are. I could only grow to love you more each day.

Esmond and I are learning to give each other the right amount of space, believe me, it's such a beautiful yet challenging thing to learn =)

It's been LONG

I know, I just could never be consistent. Haha, one of my besties, Joyce has come to me and complained about my laziness. Haha. So here I am. Updates!!


So, it's been about more than a year now that I am diagnosed with fibromyalgia. FMS (fibromyalgia (fi-bro-my-Al-juh) syndrome) is a widespread musculoskeletal pain and fatigue disorder for which the cause is still unknown. Fibromyalgia means pain in the fibrous tissues in the body. [http://ukfibromyalgia.com/what-is-fm.html] Trust me, it is not pleasant at all. I got up in the morning, feeling not rested at all and do you remember the feeling you have first thing you wake up the day after you hiked or been to the gym. Thats how I feel almost everyday, sometimes worse sometimes better. There are good and bad days (PHEW!).. and ya, pain, ache, stiffness all over.. different parts of the body on different days.. I start to get pain in the eyes, head and even more sensitive to cold, heat, light and sound. And, good sleep? It happens once in a blue moon. Fatigue is my best friend but I am glad that the one symptom that I havent got and will not ever got it by faith n His grace is depression!! 


When I just knew about it, it was a stressful period of time for acceptance, knowing that there is no cure and that I need to take medication everyday to manage the symptoms and of course, it's time to slow things down and I have to know that it is so going to affect my quality of life. But, God has been really faithful, He sent wonderful people into my lives to pull me through this period and the most important thing was He sent holy spirit to comfort. There are times when the pain could be so intense that all I could do is cry, yes, I am helpless and it's because of this helplessness that I know how Big my God is and how weak I could be that He could make me strong.


I learnt to see life differently, there is so much to learn being weak as I had always grown up being the strong and big one among my friends, never was I weak. Haha. I have to learn to say no to things I cannot do. I have to learn to tell people I dont feel okay. I have to learn to trust and believe that I will be fine. I learn to give thanks to little things, from a good 15 mins nap to a merely an hour sunshine. When I got bedridden, I learnt to stay quiet and speak to God. There are just so many things to learn. Pain has made me stronger. 


I had been working in this pharmacy for the last 2 years, and in more than a week time I am going to quit this job. I might be reluctant or sad to leave, or I might be blaming God for this weird sickness I got, but instead I am grateful that I have finally learnt how to let go in this one year. Letting go has never been easy for me. Thanks to him, this special person that I have not introduced. He taught me how to let go and I dont have to prove myself strong by being bonded to something making me feel worse day by day. 


He is a man whom God brought into my lives about 5 years ago. We were in high school back then. He was in the class next to mine. It was great, we were attracted to each other after some time. We were different. He's always discipline and I was always living a disorganised life how he would put it. Everything seems perfect when our friends and families are happy about us going out, but he was not a Christian. It was a painful decision to make.


Years had passed. We both went to different colleges and had different friends.And now even, He is in Germany and I am in the UK. At some points of our lives, we thought no one could replace this position in our hearts but at other points of our lives, it's as if we had forgotten about each other. But, we stayed single all these years until now that we are finally back together, this time as two Christians who love God and earnestly seek Him, putting Him as the head of our relationship. 


The first time we spent time after so many years, I was touched to see him saying grace before our meal when we met. Trust me, it was the most beautiful moment to see the person you love coming before God. It was the first time we met in the UK last summer and the first time I witnessed this beautiful sight after he became a Christian in college. I believe that God has finally make things beautiful in His time. 


So much to learn, so many challenges ahead of us now that we are known as a couple. He is always so rational and caring in his own ways. He is always generous with words of affirmation and always ready to learn more about me. He is always telling me that things gonna be okay because God is in charge. He has become this godly man I had been longing for. Of course, he would not be perfect, but I am sure as God put us together, we will see each other as the most beautiful being God has ever created. And, only I realise that it's not all about romance and gifts. It's about learning, accepting and most importantly, blessing and encouraging each other thru our lives despite the distance between us. We might not agree on everything but it's then this effort to sort things out make it all beautiful. Thanks for making me feel like a woman. It's good to have you, Esmond. =)